Today has been a very emotional day. I have been all over the board. I woke up this morning and I was happy and a-ok, although a bit of a headache.

Josh and I had a moment today where I explained to him, we are with him or we are not. When he goes away this time, it can be a thing where the family is involved or a thing where he is there by himself.

Marley really wants to go home. He does not like not having his own space, he also really misses me. He is so spoiled. I need to work with him on how to share with other people and what it means to be a humble person. I don't want him to grow up to be an asshole. I want him to be a nice guy but not one that gets walked all over. That would be shitty. I do not want that.

The beginning of my beautiful baldness pictures. I will add a new one every week ( at least when I have time and remember). I want a journal of how my hair grows back and all the magical things I can do with it.

Mom and I were discussing the "WOW upside down" situation and she told me that she is a narcissist. She is a completely selfish person. She doesn't think about others. Even with the kids Christmas presents- she buys them presents, a small part of joy for them, but a large part so she can take pictures and proved that she did that. Tierra is a few steps below being a psychopath.

I raised her basically from the age of 12 to 17. I keep blaming myself for making her into the type of person that she's become. I blame myself- why? Is it my fault?  All those things I did for her, helping keeping her sheltered from what was really going on around her. All the crazy shit.

Today started out as a normal day and then it got painful. It did to much again. I am sure the doctor will say something to me about all the bending down I have been doing. It has been a lot. It hurts a lot. I took a pain pill so hopefully that should help out.

This journey is going to to be harder than I can imagine. Today, just making supper was too much. I stood for the amount of time to cook noodles and wash dishes. Sonny had already made dinner and I just had to put it together. Mom thinks I might end up in the hospital again which would be horrible.

Tierra is starting work tomorrow and that means she might be coming back. That would be terrible. I hope she can keep her job and buy real things for her children. It would be amazing although I hope she doesn't go crazy buying them Christmas presents though.

Josh is out of the hospital but he will be going back to placement. I know that he needs help but I hate that the his journey is so close to mine. I hope he can be strong like I was. I know deep inside myself that he isn't though and he will suffer as well as flourish. I want so much for him.

Tomorrow is Marley's conferences. I am excited to learn how smart my baby is. He is learning how to read, it is amazing. He is learning new words left and right. Numbers all the time. There is a book fair there too so I might buy him a book or two cause I like to buy books for my babies. Marley is getting new pants tomorrow, Sonny and I are going shopping.

Holly is growing up so quick and I want her to grow into her own person, but she is so influenced by the three of us. Tierra, Nana and I. When Mom dies, she will withdraw into her shell competently. I want her to find something now that makes her want to be outside of the shell, something that that will keep her from wilting. I love her smile so much.

Now I am going to bed.

Today is the first day of the rest of my Life

So I've had these terrible headaches since I was little, like 10  years old.  Sometimes it would just be annoying and I would be in a bullshit pissy mood or there were ones that landed me in the emergency room. They would come and they would go. Doctor would give us different reasons and treatments for them until finally I was fed up listening.

I decided I was going to turn my life around and go to college online which was all find and dandy until my eyes began to hurt from so much reading, so I decided I probably needed glasses. I needed them when I was pregnant,but no other time.  While at the eye doctor he did all kinds of tests on me to determine that I had Papilledema. Which is swelling of the optic nerve. This is bad. It can make you go blind. I was freaking out. 

The eye doctor set up my first appointment with neurologist. I was terrified. I didn't want to think something was wrong with my brain. But apparently in my case, it wasn't true. I have pseudotumor cerebri. My brain thinks there is a large tumor. It presses down on my eyes, causing the papilledema. My pressure inside my skull is too high. It was something that was alien to me. I was shocked.

There are so many things wrong with me medically now a days that I can't believe I even still go to the doctor. I hate doctors and I go all the time.