This has been a long week and as a result, my hair has become even longer.

This has been a long week and as a result, my hair has become even longer. It is getting really fuzzy. I gotta be careful with headbands or it leaves a dent. LOL. That doesn't happen. I hope when it gets longer that it parts the same way. 

I have gotten the staples taken out of my back. It has stopped leaking. The side is still leaking a little bit, but the doctor gave me medicine so that it doesn't get infected. Otherwise, the headaches seem better. I am so used to getting up and going about my life that I don't pay attention. Should I stop and pay closer attention or should I just keep going? 

Yesterday was the family Christmas (Kock/Merry). It was fun and Mom had a good time. The kids had a good time and so did I. The vest I am wearing, in the photo below, is from Grandma Judy. She also gave me a wonderful gift and I got some new color books. I love those, they are beautiful. The pictures come to life when I color them. 

Josh is probably going to miss Christmas and that sucks. He will still be in the hospital, instead of at Nana's. He will go directly from the hospital to CHS once again. Not coming home. It will be painful. Today Mom went to visit and he didn't even say anything when they left, he just got up and wandered off. He will get presents from other places and he will spend his valuable childhood Christmas in another place, again. It is so unfair to all the other kids. Holly will have a few nice things, but not like Josh. One of his teachers is getting him the hookup. 

We are going to go to Uncle Mark's this year. Mom wants to. She wants to do a nice Christmas this year. I suppose I can do that. Hopefully Mom doesn't kill Megan while we are there, or Tierra. OMG, I can imagine that weekend. Can't you. Mom sitting in a corner, staring at people. Evilly. 

Staples....New Solutions

The doctor and I have been playing tag all weekend, so after he was in surgery all night last night, I rushed to the office so he could see me. So there was a leaky spout and the doctor decided to use staples (4 of them) to close it. I hope this holds it closed. It didn't hurt when he stapled it yesterday day, but it is kinda sore now. It was funny, I am standing over the table, getting these staples and he is like "people usually scream when I do this" and I am standing there talking to Marley, who is coloring by my face. It was funny.....to me at least. Mom is in the hospital now....has been for a couple of days......all the stress of Josh and taking care of me got to her, wore her down. She needed to take care of herself. Hopefully she will stop feeling bad for herself. I know that she is lonely now, but once tomorrow happens and we bring Douggie's surprise up to the hospital, that should make it a little better. He found an instructable about how to make fountre cookies with crescent dough. It should be fun. 

Now onto the "informal" Thanksgiving at Drea's. There is going to be a bunch of people coming and I am so excited. It will be with my entire "Family", The one I have created and the people who love me. This will be awesome. 

Thoughts

Last night, I went out with Andrea and Victoria and danced my ass off. I didn't push my limits. I didn't jump around, but I danced. I moved around and made sure that if I was getting uncomfortable, not to push it, but to go smoke a cigg. It was nice. I had an awesome time. I am glad I have the friends that I do. They are amazing and we didn't even go out for me last night, we went out for Victoria. Apparently she is feeling like one of her brothers which is crazy because all painted up last night, she looked amazing. She was dancing her ass off too.

 

Victoria is the one who's tongue is within thier mouth. Her husband made a remark about how women are always supposed tohave hair and that we are not as attractive without hair. She is feeling unpretty and that is not ok. We needed to go out and I am glad I got to go. Drea was a little more than drunk. She kept telling us she was going "downtown", It was so fun, I love them ladies. I am lucky to have found such wonderful frinds. 

We are doing a informal Thanksgiving becuase Vivotia works on Thursday because it is Black Friday and she is in charge of something......maybe importnat. She told me, not quite sure I remember. I do know she has to work. I know that we are going to have like 20 people. We are going to have Drea, Nunu and the girls, Victoria and her family, Nana and kids, Sonny, Marley and I and the few other people that we invited. It is going to be nice I hope. It will be amazing, trying to stay positive. I am making the vegetables because my man friend is so specfic about the vegetables because he does like sweet potatoes and Drea likes cranberry sauce. I am making potatoes because thiere like are 300 ways to make potatoes. I know it is funny but I really want potatoes now. it is shitty. BOOOOO. 

Today has been a very emotional day. I have been all over the board. I woke up this morning and I was happy and a-ok, although a bit of a headache.

Josh and I had a moment today where I explained to him, we are with him or we are not. When he goes away this time, it can be a thing where the family is involved or a thing where he is there by himself.

Marley really wants to go home. He does not like not having his own space, he also really misses me. He is so spoiled. I need to work with him on how to share with other people and what it means to be a humble person. I don't want him to grow up to be an asshole. I want him to be a nice guy but not one that gets walked all over. That would be shitty. I do not want that.

The beginning of my beautiful baldness pictures. I will add a new one every week ( at least when I have time and remember). I want a journal of how my hair grows back and all the magical things I can do with it.

Mom and I were discussing the "WOW upside down" situation and she told me that she is a narcissist. She is a completely selfish person. She doesn't think about others. Even with the kids Christmas presents- she buys them presents, a small part of joy for them, but a large part so she can take pictures and proved that she did that. Tierra is a few steps below being a psychopath.

I raised her basically from the age of 12 to 17. I keep blaming myself for making her into the type of person that she's become. I blame myself- why? Is it my fault?  All those things I did for her, helping keeping her sheltered from what was really going on around her. All the crazy shit.

Today started out as a normal day and then it got painful. It did to much again. I am sure the doctor will say something to me about all the bending down I have been doing. It has been a lot. It hurts a lot. I took a pain pill so hopefully that should help out.

This journey is going to to be harder than I can imagine. Today, just making supper was too much. I stood for the amount of time to cook noodles and wash dishes. Sonny had already made dinner and I just had to put it together. Mom thinks I might end up in the hospital again which would be horrible.

Tierra is starting work tomorrow and that means she might be coming back. That would be terrible. I hope she can keep her job and buy real things for her children. It would be amazing although I hope she doesn't go crazy buying them Christmas presents though.

Josh is out of the hospital but he will be going back to placement. I know that he needs help but I hate that the his journey is so close to mine. I hope he can be strong like I was. I know deep inside myself that he isn't though and he will suffer as well as flourish. I want so much for him.

Tomorrow is Marley's conferences. I am excited to learn how smart my baby is. He is learning how to read, it is amazing. He is learning new words left and right. Numbers all the time. There is a book fair there too so I might buy him a book or two cause I like to buy books for my babies. Marley is getting new pants tomorrow, Sonny and I are going shopping.

Holly is growing up so quick and I want her to grow into her own person, but she is so influenced by the three of us. Tierra, Nana and I. When Mom dies, she will withdraw into her shell competently. I want her to find something now that makes her want to be outside of the shell, something that that will keep her from wilting. I love her smile so much.

Now I am going to bed.

Today is the first day of the rest of my Life

So I've had these terrible headaches since I was little, like 10  years old.  Sometimes it would just be annoying and I would be in a bullshit pissy mood or there were ones that landed me in the emergency room. They would come and they would go. Doctor would give us different reasons and treatments for them until finally I was fed up listening.

I decided I was going to turn my life around and go to college online which was all find and dandy until my eyes began to hurt from so much reading, so I decided I probably needed glasses. I needed them when I was pregnant,but no other time.  While at the eye doctor he did all kinds of tests on me to determine that I had Papilledema. Which is swelling of the optic nerve. This is bad. It can make you go blind. I was freaking out. 

The eye doctor set up my first appointment with neurologist. I was terrified. I didn't want to think something was wrong with my brain. But apparently in my case, it wasn't true. I have pseudotumor cerebri. My brain thinks there is a large tumor. It presses down on my eyes, causing the papilledema. My pressure inside my skull is too high. It was something that was alien to me. I was shocked.

There are so many things wrong with me medically now a days that I can't believe I even still go to the doctor. I hate doctors and I go all the time.